Sudden

Sometime while or before I was writing that last post, my uncle suffered a heart attack and passed away.

I never knew one of my grandfathers, he died before I was born, and my great uncle died in the war. Aside from these two, there hasn't been a death in my family. This is the closest I have come to death. My uncle was a priest. He left no children. He was not a blood relation. I don't know how I feel about it yet. I don't know if I feel bad, or if I feel just sympathy for my aunt.

I can't feel bad for him, he is not suffering. I can only feel bad for my aunt, so if I'm grieving, I'm grieving for her loss. But it made me think about death and how we deal with it as a society. When someone dies, people grieve for them, but they are mourning the loss of the person, not the person who is gone. In this way, grief is selfish, as in it doesn't affect anyone but those who are deprived of the other's company. So am I feeling grief or sympathy? I think it has to be sympathy.

I feel awful saying this, but my uncle wasn't a man that buzzed happiness. I remember him as someone who made me cry when I was young by humiliating me at dinner because he had an etiquette niggle. That's how I'll remember him.

Aside from that, today has been very good. I am realising that I have some brilliant friends, and that makes me so happy. Today we had a semi-impromptu picnic on the Froebel lawn outside Emma's window, which had chocolate milk and ham sandwiches and pineapple galore. I saw Megumi again, which hadn't happened for ages. I think not since the New Year party. But that was good. And then we all watched Gokusen series 2 and went for a meal. It was a worthwhile Bank Holiday.

I'm going to go home for a while tomorrow. I need to see my parents and call my aunt.